Note to self


“Successfully Driven” – KR


The hardest thing I’ll probably EVER have to deal with!



About 4 weeks ago, I realized some things with me were VERY different. First thing being I would get up in the middle of the night to use the rest room EVERY 10 minutes (Literally, well at least it seemed like it was that often), second thing, my menstrual was nowhere to be found for 2 months prior to the point, now some of you, if not all are probably wondering why that wasn’t the first thing to set off my curiosity, but that’s simply because its been irregular all of my life. Third thing, my mood swings were all OVER THE PLACE, and last but not least my cravings and desires for different food and things was extreme lol. I decided the only logical thing to do at that point was take a pregnancy test, so I did, only to discover, all of those symptoms, those mentioned, and those not, were all for a reason.. I discovered I was pregnant. At first, I’m not even going to lie, I didn’t know how I felt about it. Reason being, I always had a plan .. My plan didn’t include pre marital pregnancy, however it at one point also didn’t include pre marital sex. I had absolutely NO CHOICE but to accept what I had done. Me and my partner decided we were adult enough to do those things, so we had to be adult enough to deal with it head on, and handle our responsibilities. The same day we found out, we immediately started a savings fund for the baby soon to come, and preparation and planning! Neither one of us were comfortable with the situation as it was and were beyond willing to make sacrifices and changes as necessary! The best part of finding out the info though, was how excited and supportive my honey was! A lot of people, especially in today, aren’t fortunate enough to receive those results or even that response. I feel beyond blessed. The next step was calling my doctor and scheduling my first prenatal visit .. During that visit, I got both a blood and a urine test done to see how far along I was, and if everything was okay (due to light spotting). My OB-GYN checked me and made sure all was well, it was … at the time! My cervix was closed, and as far as we knew it was my body getting used to all of the sudden changes. Once that was over and done with I scheduled my first ultrasound for February 27th 2014 at 9:00am, and a follow up visit for the week after… Unfortunately, I had my first ultra sound on the 27th but not at 9:00am, but instead at 8:00am at Beth Israel Hospital due to a miscarriage I had been experiencing since 2AM that morning. I can not even begin to explain the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual roller coaster I have been on since then.  All I can think about is my baby! That little person who was growing inside of me .. altering my view on life in such a short period of time, leaving me to wonder just how much more of an impact they would have made on my life, and all of the many different things we could have but didn’t get the chance to learn from one another. According to blood tests done in the ER I was 14 weeks, my baby was the size of a Gatorade bottle. I guess, in a weird way it made me feel better to know that they were so big, and at least TRIED to fight for as long as they did, unfortunately they just weren’t growing properly.. and ultimately it could’ve been both of our lives taken..I feel my baby was so much like me already. Willing to sacrifice their self for another. Call me crazy, it’s just what I believe !! Huge Huge shoutout to my honey for being by my side the entire 14 hours in the ER, for never leaving my side during my week of recovery. Making sure I’m okay, for being willing to talk to me as often as I felt like discussing it, and overall for being SO STRONG the entire time !!! I don’t know many men who could’ve saw what he did that night and still be so strong and supportive for me! I love him so much! I don’t look at it as I was almost a mother, I consider that my first child… Yes they are no longer here, but that was my first time ever experiencing that. Ever having one, and ever losing one. I have a new found respect for us women! we truly endure a lot of pain. Its almost as if our lives consist of 95% pain, and 5% pleasure and we are so used to it, we just adapt with ease. This is and has been the craziest journey of my life. To be honest, I was so concerned with how others in my family would feel, that I wasn’t enjoying my pregnancy the way I should’ve, but listen I am 22, no I’m not old, but I am an I do not have the best life, but I do for self, no I’m not where I want to be, but I never stay down EVER!!!.. I have goals and they will all get accomplished regardless of obstacle. No I am not married, but I am with the person I will marry! I wasn’t  a 15,16,17,18 year old mother… So regardless I don’t deserve anyone to look down on me, to judge me to anything lol cause it is after all MY LIFE .. I deal with everything in it. I can honestly say, the next time this happens, I will be enjoying the ride…not focusing on who may disapprove. I am angry, I am hurt, I am distraught, but with God and my babe by my side I’ll be just fine!!!

A Mourning Mother *