Note to self

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“Successfully Driven” – KR

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The hardest thing I’ll probably EVER have to deal with!

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About 4 weeks ago, I realized some things with me were VERY different. First thing being I would get up in the middle of the night to use the rest room EVERY 10 minutes (Literally, well at least it seemed like it was that often), second thing, my menstrual was nowhere to be found for 2 months prior to the point, now some of you, if not all are probably wondering why that wasn’t the first thing to set off my curiosity, but that’s simply because its been irregular all of my life. Third thing, my mood swings were all OVER THE PLACE, and last but not least my cravings and desires for different food and things was extreme lol. I decided the only logical thing to do at that point was take a pregnancy test, so I did, only to discover, all of those symptoms, those mentioned, and those not, were all for a reason.. I discovered I was pregnant. At first, I’m not even going to lie, I didn’t know how I felt about it. Reason being, I always had a plan .. My plan didn’t include pre marital pregnancy, however it at one point also didn’t include pre marital sex. I had absolutely NO CHOICE but to accept what I had done. Me and my partner decided we were adult enough to do those things, so we had to be adult enough to deal with it head on, and handle our responsibilities. The same day we found out, we immediately started a savings fund for the baby soon to come, and preparation and planning! Neither one of us were comfortable with the situation as it was and were beyond willing to make sacrifices and changes as necessary! The best part of finding out the info though, was how excited and supportive my honey was! A lot of people, especially in today, aren’t fortunate enough to receive those results or even that response. I feel beyond blessed. The next step was calling my doctor and scheduling my first prenatal visit .. During that visit, I got both a blood and a urine test done to see how far along I was, and if everything was okay (due to light spotting). My OB-GYN checked me and made sure all was well, it was … at the time! My cervix was closed, and as far as we knew it was my body getting used to all of the sudden changes. Once that was over and done with I scheduled my first ultrasound for February 27th 2014 at 9:00am, and a follow up visit for the week after… Unfortunately, I had my first ultra sound on the 27th but not at 9:00am, but instead at 8:00am at Beth Israel Hospital due to a miscarriage I had been experiencing since 2AM that morning. I can not even begin to explain the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual roller coaster I have been on since then.  All I can think about is my baby! That little person who was growing inside of me .. altering my view on life in such a short period of time, leaving me to wonder just how much more of an impact they would have made on my life, and all of the many different things we could have but didn’t get the chance to learn from one another. According to blood tests done in the ER I was 14 weeks, my baby was the size of a Gatorade bottle. I guess, in a weird way it made me feel better to know that they were so big, and at least TRIED to fight for as long as they did, unfortunately they just weren’t growing properly.. and ultimately it could’ve been both of our lives taken..I feel my baby was so much like me already. Willing to sacrifice their self for another. Call me crazy, it’s just what I believe !! Huge Huge shoutout to my honey for being by my side the entire 14 hours in the ER, for never leaving my side during my week of recovery. Making sure I’m okay, for being willing to talk to me as often as I felt like discussing it, and overall for being SO STRONG the entire time !!! I don’t know many men who could’ve saw what he did that night and still be so strong and supportive for me! I love him so much! I don’t look at it as I was almost a mother, I consider that my first child… Yes they are no longer here, but that was my first time ever experiencing that. Ever having one, and ever losing one. I have a new found respect for us women! we truly endure a lot of pain. Its almost as if our lives consist of 95% pain, and 5% pleasure and we are so used to it, we just adapt with ease. This is and has been the craziest journey of my life. To be honest, I was so concerned with how others in my family would feel, that I wasn’t enjoying my pregnancy the way I should’ve, but listen I am 22, no I’m not old, but I am an adult..no I do not have the best life, but I do for self, no I’m not where I want to be, but I never stay down EVER!!!.. I have goals and they will all get accomplished regardless of obstacle. No I am not married, but I am with the person I will marry! I wasn’t  a 15,16,17,18 year old mother… So regardless I don’t deserve anyone to look down on me, to judge me to anything lol cause it is after all MY LIFE .. I deal with everything in it. I can honestly say, the next time this happens, I will be enjoying the ride…not focusing on who may disapprove. I am angry, I am hurt, I am distraught, but with God and my babe by my side I’ll be just fine!!!

A Mourning Mother *

Head Up Beautiful!

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There comes a time in all of our lives where we have to take necessary steps. That sometimes means, leaving things, people, and/or places behind. Sometimes, you’re not leaving them behind forever, or permanently, but you do have to detach yourself from or learn how to live without those things. A lot of times a person may be afraid of doing so for multiple reasons. You could be afraid to fail, or to be alone, but I want you to know that I am no stranger to failure, or being or feeling alone, the only difference is I understand now that sometimes you have to fail and be alone. Without failure, how would one really know when or how to appreciate success? If you don’t know what it feels like to be alone, when will you learn the valuable life lesson of independence? Of course, most of us have people or at least someone to be there for us, or catch us if we fall, but that could be the problem. Remove all crutches…therefore if you fall, you will do anything and everything you have to ON YOUR OWN to get back up again and be stronger than ever. A few dear people to me are currently dealing with extreme life changes, and are either uncertain about which route to go, or doubting themselves on which moves to make next. I’m here tonight to tell you guys that as long as YOU believe in YOU, that’s all that matters, regardless of supporters, doubters, or even the way some things may appear. Another thing I want you all to know is that sometimes, you have to put yourself first. I know it sounds weird coming from me (for those of you who know how giving I am first hand), but if you don’t put yourself first SOMETIMES, you’ll eventually allow your happiness to fade or dwindle away. How fair is that? Not at all right? I know. This was me for a while, actually it’s something I’m still battling. I have such a giving, and overall nurturing soul, that I find myself more time than not, thinking of others and how they may react or feel as opposed to what I myself will feel better with. It hasn’t been the best thing for me.. and I’m learning now that you can cause mental and emotional deformities to yourself, just by trying to put others before yourself. Now, keep in mind, there is nothing wrong with being that way, it’s just when you’re that way ALL THE TIME that it becomes foolish. Point being, do whatever it is that you have to do for you…no one else will do it for you. Don’t be afraid to do what you feel would make you happy or would ultimately be the better decision for yourself. You only get one life to live…make the most of it. Let go of all fears, look your fears in the eye, show them who’s boss! Don’t be afraid to fall, that’s where your greatest brainstorming and planning usually takes place. Once you dust yourself off, try it again, and next time make it more of an effort and give even more of a fight. You can do ANY and EVERY thing you want to do….. HEAD UP BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!!!

UNCONTROLLABLE SITUATIONS *((Dont Kill Yourself))*

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One thing I’m learning more about these days is, I can’t allow myself to get upset or stress over uncontrollable situations. Now, this is something I know for a fact that all human beings suffer from…Wanting to have control over their lives. Unfortunately for us, that is far from the case. Take for example: You’re a punctual person, you like being to everything tied to you or your name on time, so you purposely get ready early, leave your house early, etc. One day, you go about your normal routine, go your normal route, and get hit with an hour and a half worth of traffic. Do you panic? YES! Do you say every inappropriate word under the sun? ABSOLUTELY! Do you want to get out of your car (keys in the ignition), and just leave? SURE DO .. Should you? PROBABLY NOT. lol You live in an apartment with room mates, you go to work everyday, work 8+ hours (not including travel time or additional stops, OR the traffic you probably had to deal with), and you come home to dishes in the sink you know aren’t yours, a bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned, yet used a million and one times, and people who are as deceiving as the snake in the garden of Eden. Do you want to snap? YES! Do you want to tell them to line up and punch them each in the face individually, one by one? ABSOLUTELY! Do you want to pack your belongings, leave, and not care about who’s stuck with what or who feels whatever? MORE THAN LIKELY .. Should you? NO.

Long story short, you can’t allow the things in life in which you have no control over to bother you. Especially when there is nothing at all that you can do. In those type of situations the first thing a person does is stress. Why kill yourself? Stress is known to be the number ONE killer. Is your life worth losing over something you can’t change? After all. I always know that God has my back regardless to whatever, he ALWAYS does. I can’t recall one time where I’ve been without. That’s why I just learned that if a person wants to come at me incorrect, do I stoop to their level, or do I let them upset me? NO.. I just let God handle it. When my boss comes at me one day and says I’m the best employee he ever had, then threatens to let me go the next, because I was late ONE time. Do I cry, even though I’m under a lot of pressure and feel like it? NO.. I just let God work it out.

Not to mention I’ve been blessed with an amazing partner who has nothing but my best interest at heart… He knows I’m quite the perfectionist.. I believe there is always room for improvement .. ALWAYS.. and when something goes wrong, whether its my fault or not, I feel like I’m obligated to correct it, and if I can’t fix the problem.. I beat myself down! I can admit that… that’s just who and how I am. Let someone who “knows” me tell you though, its the opposite..lol which is why I often laugh, but that’s a different topic, for a different day. My point is he is constantly telling me to relax, to breathe… Which thanks to him, I’ve been really working on! Gotta love it…Thanks babe : )

 

So .. Remember, things that aren’t in your control.. you shouldn’t be upset over!!!! Don’t kill yourself! ****

CHASE YOUR DREAMS!

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Hardships tend to cloud ones mind and make you feel at times belittled, misunderstood is an understatement. People can be cruel, judging you not off of what they know for a fact is factual, but something they think they know is certain, only hurting theirselves ultimately. Never assume a book will be terribly written due to the picture on the front cover!

Everybody wants to do something.
Everyone wants to be someone.
What if you already are?
What if you could do more than something, but anything?
You can… You will…. If you try!

All it takes is faith and patience. Those two things to me are the essentials. As long as you have those things, there’s nothing that could stand in the way of your blessings. Everything in life around you could seem so dry, so at a standstill. Sometimes it even seems as if things couldn’t possibly get any worse…. To everyone else. As long as you believe that everything will be okay… It will be better than!

I feel a person can overcome anything. You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to, regardless of who doubts, regardless of what you endure… Push through it. Someone who could agree with me is Darlisha Dozier. She’s a single mom, who definitely didn’t have the easiest journey. That didn’t stop her from applying herself, and continuously pushing forward. Although she has her hands full with so much, she finds a way to do and handle it all!

*ONE ON ONE WITH DARLISHA*

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*::* HOW DID IT ALL COME ABOUT? DID YOU HAVE TO AUDITION FOR A ROLE OR ANYTHING? Ron did an interview at a pregnancy shelter I was staying at, after I was kicked out of a foster home, so that’s how that came to pass.

*::* IS ACTING OR BEING IN MOVIES SOMETHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO DO? In high school, I took drama classes, more so for extra credits to graduate, however, when I did that film, although I had lines, he let me be myself. I’m naturally wild and crazy!

*::* I UNDERSTAND YOU’RE A MOTHER, HOW DID YOU JUGGLE RECORDING THE FILM AND BEING A FULL TIME MOM? At the time I was still at the shelter, so they had house moms, looking after Julian, which made me feel more comfortable, knowing he wasn’t in a day care with strangers, but at home with family.

*::* WHAT WAS THE MOST DIFFICULT OBSTACLE YOU CAME ACROSS DURING THE FILMING OF YOUR FEATURE? The only difficult moments were long hours. I thought it would be a basic 9-5, but it was more like a 9AM to 5AM. Being away from Julian for such long periods of time was also hard, knowing that half the days work wasn’t even on film.

*::* HOW DID IT FEEL TO FINALLY BE ABLE TO PUT YOUR STORY OUT THERE & EXPRESS THOSE THINGS YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH? It was cool. I’ve always wanted my life to be an inspiration, especially in high school. People always picked on me not really understanding what it was like to be in one foster home, and then another foster home. I want people to understand that I had a child and had the option of keeping it. I want other girls around the world who may be in similar situations to know, they have that option.

*::* WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE PERSON TO WORK WITH? My favorite person to work with was Vanessa (Hudgens). I thought she would be stuck up, but she was really nice and sweet, and we actually built a friendship.

*::* IS THIS IT FOR YOU AND ACTING OR DO YOU PLAN ON SHOWING YOUR FACE ON THE BIG SCREEN MORE OFTEN? Hopefully, I will be in more movies. I really like the reviews I’m getting. I want to be on tv or something! I really enjoyed it!

*::* IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO THOSE GIRLS WHO MAY BE INSPIRED BY YOUR STORY? I would like to say, live your life. The past is in the past, no matter what hardships you’ve been through. You’re a beautiful person inside and out, don’t let people judge you based off just what they see or think they see. Stay focused!!!

Thanks Darlisha! I couldn’t have agreed more! Regardless of what life throws at you, regardless of who believes in you or who understands, you always, ALWAYS remain focused… This interview was done last month in January, & as I was writing (God & Reek are my witnesses), I kept getting “writers block”. How do you get writers block on something you already wrote, that all you have to do is type?! God always has a plan … There was a reason… A missing piece… Well everyone LETS CONGRATULATE DARLISHA ON HER NEW FEATURE IN AMC’S “THE WALKING DEAD”!!!!!

Keep doing it Mamas. It appears to me that your goal of continuing to pursue tv and/or movies is coming true. You got this.. One step at a time…& In your words STAY FOCUSED… !!!!!!!

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Blogging just because…

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Usually when I write, whether it be on here, on my mobile devices, or on paper, I write to express however it is that I am feeling at that moment. This is something I’ve been doing for years. Never considered myself a “professional writer”, I just do it because it helps me relieve. Relieve tension, stress, emotions (good and bad), and hardships. Growing up, me and “friends” didn’t ever last long. Reasons unknown, but I can honestly say..speaking for self, they didn’t last long because I’m an individual and always have been. I don’t follow behind the crowd, I do my own thing, go my own route, and express myself with no hesitation and no sugar coating. That’s something CLEARLY not many can handle, so I’ve never really had that “friend” to spill all guts to. Even the friends that are great friends, some I’ve had for years, some are new…I still find it difficult to trust people with personal feelings to a certain extent. I have my reasons….lol. Therefore, my outlet since about age 8 has been writing! Even though I have a few close friends I can talk to, some things are just better left unsaid, and written down. Today, I’m feeling on top of the world! Lately, I’ve been really down in the dumps yet somehow managing to keep myself together. I often amaze myself with how strong I can be, when I feel I’m at one of my weakest points ever…

I can admit, for some of the things I deal with on a daily basis, I am ecstatic that I can continue to walk around with a smile on my face and remain positive mentally, emotionally and overall spiritually. I am also grateful and appreciative for my struggles, for I know there are others out there who would do anything to trade their problems for mine. 

BXtch You Killed My Vibe!

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I’m not the nicest person in the world, but I am far from the meanest! I don’t go around biting peoples heads off for no apparent reason, however I also don’t allow people to come around trying to chew off mine! I do nothing but wake up, praise/thank the lord, work, smile and attempt to get others to smile! Why is there always someone trying to kill my vibe? Its sad too, because that woman is 34 years old, I am 22! It is really ridiculous that you are even concerned with me, but alright…I suppose. Every little thing I do, or so…don’t do or say, is an issue! Why? Why is it that WHATEVER I do WHENEVER I do it, bothers you so? Or is it that you simply don’t have a life, anything to do, or anyone for that matter. You aren’t my mom or my boss, so why are you telling me what is or isn’t, should or shouldn’t that is none of your concern…. nor am I concerned about any “advice” you are trying to give! It’s someone wondering why didn’t I say this to her… lmao I HAVE MULTIPLE TIMES, she’s just slow ( a tad bit off ) and continues to do it. We are NOT friends, enemies, frienemies or anything else. Leave me alone!! My goodness….then you have the nerve to work with me… I’m always at work, which means you are always around….ugh … FML So hard !!! lol